Ask Me Monday
Are time outs appropriate?
Young children, along with their need for exploration and discovery, also need structure and boundaries. Environments with no limits can overwhelm children. So, while you don't have to be a warden with discipline, setting clear expectations and consistent consequences will help children learn, keep them safe, and help them
feel cared for and secure.
Time outs
are appropriate for young children. It can be a trick to figure out in which circumstances a time out is needed, and when should behavior be ignored or treated differently.
My rule of thumb for time out is that when a child seems to be
out of control of their actions (too excited, worked up, screaming and unable to talk, crying, etc.) a time out is necessary.
If a child is refusing to do a task, and looking to control a situation by deciding not to participate, time out would not be appropriate, because in that case, giving a time out may actually be a reward for the goal of their behavior.
Time outs
should remove a child from a situation where they are not handling themselves appropriately.
The time out can last for as long as the child is old (4 year olds should not have longer than a 4 minute time out).
Time outs can be parent/teacher established, or child established. If a child is not working through a problem and getting overly worked up, or if they are getting overly excited, you can sit them down and allow him to decide when he is ready to get back up. "When you are calm, you may come back and join us."
However, sometimes a time out can be a positive reward to challenging behavior. If a child refuses to clean up during clean up time, and he is put in time out, he is being rewarded by letting others clean up for him.
Instead, the rule should be that we will not do anything else until the toys are picked up. Then, leave that child alone until they have completed their task. I have had children sit and stare at the toys for several minutes, but if the only option is to clean up before we move on, they will eventually do the job and move on.
Sometimes, parents can get caught up in trying to give their children choices. While choices are great for establishing independence, children need to be guided to making good, positive choices for themselves. "Your choice is to clean up the toys now and have time to do a puzzle before bed, or to whine about cleaning, and have no time for a puzzle before bed."
Either way, the toys are getting cleaned up, you see?
When a time out is warranted, a defined space for the child to sit and calm down is important. The length of time should be no longer than the number of minutes per years of age. When the timer goes off, it is important to readdress why the child was in time out, and remind them what the expected behavior is. "You are in time out because you were not taking turns with the toy. Next time, you need to ask, 'When you're done, may I have a turn?' And then wait until she hands the toy to you." Have the child apologize, give them a hug, and send them back to play.
Allowing children time to regain control of their actions and emotions is very important. Even as adults, we regulate our own time outs. Teaching children about their own limits, and helping them identify when they are getting out of hand and giving them space to work through it will help them throughout life. It's not being a mean mommy--it's giving helpful guidance to being a loving, capable adult.
